Let’s explore the above heading a little together. You could be forgiven to think that surly this is something no one would ever do. What would be the point? Clearly I am not talking here about the act of lying; I’m sure that we have all been a little guilty of a white lie or two. If we really get into it here I am talking about living in a state of limbo. Unable to deal in the realms of the true you, because you feel if you were to do so you would never be able to deal with the emotions it…

So what is dissociation…..? Everyone can relate to periods when this occurs naturally; we take a familiar journey with no memory of the journey we have taken at all. It can also arrive as a form of self defence, a mechanism that helps us to survive a traumatic experience. There is a need to escape reality at that time, time off as it were to deal with the present situation. We all have our own feelings thoughts and memories. When these memories become too painful where do we go to escape? If…

Rejection…… A word that has the power to remind us that throughout our lives at times, we have to accept things that are not of our choosing. An emotion of not feeling wanted, loved, or even worthy of either. It’s a feeling that can bring you to your knees, one of feeling helpless. An inability to have any effect on the outcome however hard we try. We have all been in a situation where there may have been an attraction that was not reciprocated, not being able to gain access through a door…

I am sitting here at my pc in the mix of the season about to arrive. I’ve been faced by the outward realisation, merely by the Christmas shoppers; the Christmas tree’s arriving in the shops. The length of the cues we are forced to stand in becoming longer. It’s a happy time a time for rejoicing while mixing with those that you love. As it draws nearer there is an excitement that seems to bubble over from the masses around you, as they plan that perfect time. Which house will we be spending…

I’m in a bad way I have only just made it to the bathroom before throwing up; sitting there on my cold floor tiles I put my head between my knees just to keep upright. The room is spinning, rotating all around me like some never ending merry go round. I know that this is where I will sleep tonight, not trusting myself to be too far away from the bathroom. Its cold the house is in darkness and has never felt so empty. It’s just me and my drunken stupor, along with my demons, which once again…

More than once to date I have received an email from an abuser and not the abused. The question that must pop in to our heads is why? Why would someone of that ilk visit my web page? Is it not rubbing their noise in it? Are their reasons for being here pure? After much pondering, I have decided to write this piece to those of you that have.

If you are here then maybe there is a way to terminate this continued devastation. Can I help you realise, see clearly the excessive damage and…

It’s a question I have been asked many times both personally and indirectly through my web page. So which why am I being asked here? There are so many whys in my past; it’s quite difficult to pin each one down. This scenario I am sure mirrors the lives of so many people, still unable to answer that particular question for themselves. Let’s now return to the start of this piece and deal with the said question “would it not be easier to deal with the cause and not the aftermath”? That’s one…

Self harm is a very Controversial subject, and one that many people skirt around or as they say tread lightly.

Let’s first turn our attention to the outside world looking in. We are an unstable mind deliberately causing untold injury to ourselves, whilst finding or given justification. No one in their right mind would be able to do such a thing, what perverse pleasure are we striving for? Questioning our sanity fully aware the question has already been asked and answered. They turn to…

I have just been asked by my councillor about my sexuality, a question I have been waiting for that took its time to arrive. The answer has been in my mind for so long waiting to be announced. I truthful didn’t know. So what were my options here? It seems through choice that I am Heterosexual, Bisexual or Lesbian. It all sounds so very clean cut, all the boxes ticked in the right place. The problem I am having, is that not one box has been ticked within me. The three most prominent males…

I’ve just returned home after another session with my Psychiatrist, today has really not gone well. I was asked to visit a place that had so many bad memories for me. Dealing with the sexual side of my rehabilitation is a killer. I know that I need this psycho therapeutic treatment, because I am drowning in my own pain. How do I put into words the shear agony that I feel inside when I revisit that place. It feels like someone is tearing out the very heart of me, leaving me feeling hollow and…

Who do we see when we look in the mirror? You should be so comfortable with the face you were born with. We have seen ourselves grow and change, from the pictures we have witnessed when we were children. The truth is we never see the real us, the reflection always differs from the way that others see us. I am sure you know what I am talking about here, we think we are to fat but others tell us that not the case. Our hair never seems to look good, while friends ask us for our stylist’s…

It’s raining and I am kneeling next to my father’s grave. The dirty water and mud swish all around me but I pay no mind. I have so many questions that need to be answered by a man that has been dead for so many years. Do I remember him or only the stories I have been told over the years? I was only three when he departed this world. As far back as I can remember my Stepfather had told me that I was just like him. My Father had been a violent drunk; my mother had endured a life of hell under…

I am sitting next to my mum holding her hand, just as I have been doing for the last thirty days. They have just turned off the life support; I watched her dying breath as it escaped her tiny body. She had gone to hospital with lower back pain, a complaint that should never have caused the loss of life. My head is in my hands, it feels like my body is being torn apart by the hounds of hell. How in the world could this happen. On arrival she had not been seen by the consultant in charge of…

When these words are spoken they are always received differently, depending on the impact they have on the person hearing them. For those of you like me who have gone through this experience, we also have a magnitude of different responses. Every one of us has a different story to tell. But let’s first go to those on the outside looking in. There is a stigma attached to those words that was never part of their remit. Association if recognised could taint their very being. They scoot around…

When we make the empowered decision to take back control of our lives, there is another hard fact that we need to face up to. While going through the trauma that engulfed our life’s for so many years, there is always going to be a fall out. Mine was the peace and protection I thought I had imparted to my son. There was a shutter during that time, which when faced with something painful came hammering down. Shutting down was the only way I knew, of getting through those painful days in my…

For so many years I felt as if life was just about getting up every day, existing just until another night of the haunting dark hours. I would be still in the dark, fighting with all I had to stay awake. Why could I not just close my eyes? That meant the return of the nightmares. I would feel the quiet all around me, and remember that for so many years those hours were not safe for me. You listen for the creek on the stairs, the lights going off and the house falling into silence. This is a…

This situation for me was something I had to contend with for many years.

The room is full but for me it may as well have been empty. All I can hear is white noise, were they talking to me? Why would they want to talk to me? Someone asks me if I am ok but the voice seems so far away, somewhat like a distant echo. I am stuck within my mind. Why does the world not stop turning, there is nothing out there but pain and sorrow. All of a sudden the room becomes full, people crowding in on…