‘What a mess’, I thought, as I looked within, there was conflict and opposition all over the place. I could understand why I felt at war with myself - Heart in conflict with head; actions in conflict with desires. What was I, a crash test dummy of inner conflict?
I saw the Light alright.
The ‘me’ I displayed on the outside, the ‘me’ the World knew, really didn’t accurately express the genuine ‘me’, that was on the inside. Intimacy was a big issue. I wouldn’t let people get close enough to really get a good look into me.
I was a con artist. I would compromise myself all the time, saying things to be nice or polite, or appropriate that I really didn’t mean. I might have disguised it under the label of ‘diplomacy’ but what it was, was deceit. I’d answer questions based on what I knew the other person wanted to hear. I’d answer questions based on what answer would get me liked or get me whatever it was I was seeking to get out of the person: sympathy, support, agreement, funding, etc. My list could go on and on.
I guess my problem was that I really didn’t know who I was. I also didn’t know why I did what I did or, felt what I felt, most of the time. I didn’t know my Self. All I really knew was an artificial construct I had made, in response to what other people did or did not like. You like this, so I’ll be this. You like that and I’ll be that. I’d change as the ‘you’ I was trying to please, changed. I was a database of stored responses, like a puppet with strings anyone could pull.
There was a part of me, unknown ‘til then, that bristled over the idea of being a puppet or, a pet, like a dog that would do anything for a pat on the head and a biscuit. How could I hold myself so lowly in esteem?
It was then I became aware of the kind of relationship I had with myself. It wasn’t a Loving one. I wasn’t the Real me because I didn’t believe anyone would really like the real me. The one that wasn’t ‘Perfect’.
There was a legion of things about myself I didn’t like. Characteristics I condemned and rejected in the confines of my own heart. Tendencies I’d like to stamp out of existence. Pleasures I enjoyed even though I wasn’t supposed to.
I wasn’t very nice in what I believed. I wasn’t kind, either, nor respectful. Being ‘right’ was much more important than being Understanding or Loving.
I was a dictator of conditions when it came to what I was willing to accept and tolerate. Everything had to be my idea of ‘right’ or I went emotionally ballistic. It was ‘my way or the highway.’ And this is how I acted towards myself in the confines of my own head.
My inner world ran on fuels of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment and, fear of pain. I found no Courage. I found no Valor. I found no Honor. I found no Integrity. I found nothing that would have meant I had Heart or Self Respect.
I had as much backbone as a jellyfish, when it came to having Faith in myself.
For a while I wallowed in my own self pity, a victim, blaming any and every authority figure in my life for teaching me this example of how to relate to my Self. I remembered thinking as a child that I needed to learn all the big people’s rules, in order to survive in the big people’s world. What I learned was ‘Stuff everything people didn’t like away in some deep dark hole inside, then pray to God it never gets out.’
Fa-la-la, I am the Light and all that. I knew I had a dark side. No matter how ‘good’ I acted. I knew I wasn’t Miss Smiles & Sunshine. Sooner or later, all those pent up, repressed, and suppressed parts of myself would start acting up, sabotaging my Life. Locking these parts up didn’t make them go away. Locking them up just made it so part of me was living in the dark most of the time and it was the conscious part.
My subconscious lurked within me. Like my Nemesis. I couldn’t divorce myself from it. Decades of trying had proved the futility of that idea. There was no way around it. I was going to have to attempt making friends with myself. My first step was to find out why so many parts of myself were against me. It didn’t take long to learn the reason.
I had sentenced parts of myself that didn’t live up to my ideal of perfection, to live in darkness. Shut off from my acknowledgment or recognition. Shut off from any Understanding or Compassion. I made a box inside myself and stuffed all my rejected parts in it. I created my own personal hell and, sentenced all the parts of myself I didn’t like, to live there.
The problem was…,
That it was ‘me’ living in that hell of my own making. And no matter how rotten I imagined I might be, I didn’t like the feel of living in hell. It was miserable.
And boy did I feel stupid, knowing I was the one that had sentenced myself to live there.
I did it because I had never been taught or shown, how to Love ‘me’. I was taught that Self is supposed to be sacrificed for the ‘good of others‘. It didn’t really matter if the ‘good of others’ was ever actually accomplished; all that mattered was that it wasn’t for ‘what’s good for me’.
As a result, I didn’t know how to Embrace ‘me’. I didn’t know how to Accept ‘me’. I didn’t know how to Tolerate ‘me’. Much less know how to Enjoy my own company.
And I knew it.
I knew how to be self condemning. I knew how to be self rejecting. I could come up with a list a mile long, at a moment’s notice, of reasons I was unworthy and should therefore, be sacrificed for ‘the good of others’.
For all my intellect, for all my education, for all my accomplishments, I didn’t know how to be self nurturing.
I was an empty vessel, empty of feeling any of the feelings that would have been supportive and fulfilling. Looking always to the World outside of me, to provide me with what I felt I lacked. And I was seeing this, not as a Mystic, not as a Religious Devotee but, as an Engineer. Talk about a revelation.
Most of us have been taught completely erroneous ideas about the field of magnetism. We’ve heard phrases such as ‘opposites attract’, when no, they don’t. Not quantum mechanistically.
North magnetic fields only attract North poles. South magnetic fields only attract South poles. North magnetic fields don’t want ANYTHING to do with South poles. And South magnetic fields don’t want ANYTHING to do with North poles.
Penguins and polar bears don’t coexist.
When I magnetized myself as ‘south’ or a ‘negative’ field of interest, the only people I ever attracted, were those that fit into my idea of life or my play of consciousness. Radiating a ‘south’ or a ‘negative’ field in my attitudes would attract a ‘south’ or ‘negative’ pole into my field of interest and experience. Whatever it was, if I thought negatively about it myself, I’d find they’d express that same negativity towards me, too.
I’d always believed I felt the way I did because it was what everyone else told me. When according to quantum physics, everyone else had simply been mirroring, whatever I had been imagining. ‘Negative’ was all I was capable of attracting, so long as I was polarizing myself as a ‘negative field’, in my own thoughts and emotions.
Fields and poles are like rocks and holes. There will always be enough rocks around to fill in all the holes.
I realized I had been the one to set the currents in motion that had brought all the negative stuff that had washed up on my shores. I was the one that had judged myself. Everyone else in my life had been an echo. Cause and effect; I sowed and I reaped.
It didn’t take me long to catch on, that when it came to what I believed, I was FREE to be my own authority, above and beyond all others. I didn’t have to wait for others to tell me what to believe, like I was some sort of answering machine being programmed in responses. I had the power to decide that on my own.
I will believe whatever I WILL to believe.
Because I AM and that means I CAN.
Ever since then I’ve claimed Sovereignty over my own realms of ideas and discovered when my ideas are connected to my Heart, instead of coming from my gut, I possess all the Self Assurance I need. I have chosen my own beliefs, since. Especially about myself, Life and what many of us call God.
I’ve chosen to believe in the Passion of my Life.
Here’s an exercise in reclaiming and getting to know yours.
Choose any subject: money, love, God, sex, marriage, work, etc. Then fill in the sentence, ‘Money is ______’ 20 times. Or ‘Love is ______’ 20 times. Whatever subject you choose, complete the sentence 20 times.
The first few will be easy. By 7-8, things will be slowing down. And by 11-12, it will take some time coming up with new answers. But be patient. Mostly likely it’s been a while since you’ve taken an inventory of what’s in your subconscious, if ever. When you finish, look over your answers.
For each answer, ask yourself if you really believe it. It doesn’t matter where you heard it or read it. All that does matter is if you choose to believe it and accept it as True in your life.
(I’ll share a tip with you. When it comes to believing, ask your own heart. “To Thine Own Heart Be True.“)
How does believing ‘this’ or ‘that’ make you feel? Cross off any and all beliefs that make you feel awful or negative about yourself or Life in general. Ask “Is this Loving?”
After you’ve cleared out the list of things you don’t really believe, start adding up what’s left - Integrating them together into a Whole outlook.
Contradictions will be difficult to integrate. Water can both freeze and boil, just not the same water, at the same time, in the same location. Choose.
There will be no right or wrong answers. This is simply an exercise is getting to know yourself and what is lurking around below the level of your awareness most of the time. Here is the software programming that’s been running or ruining, as the case may be, your life.
For an adventure, take back the Sovereignty over your own Heart and Mind.
Stand up for your Self.
And your Freedom to simply Be.