Many books call it Self Awareness. Since I have issues with what constitutes ‘self’, I’m simply going to say we’re Aware. We’re aware of existing and, we’re aware of existence. I Am. And so are ‘you’.
We perceive. We see.
It’s ‘what’ we’re perceiving and seeing I found questionable. Seriously, how solid is solid matter? And how can anything be ‘level’ on a round planet? Exactly how do I draw a straight line on a ball?
Then there’s the ‘left wing and right wing’ bit. Honestly, what’s the use in choosing? A bird with only one wing always flies in circles. Does it really matter which direction it
Do you see what I’m getting at?
To see, to perceive, also means to comprehend. It means to understand. It’s how we see humor and how we see reason. We do it by and through using this perceptual part of ourselves. It is a tool, an aspect, sometimes called “cognition”.
One of the qualities of our cognitive capacity is its versatility and flexibility. Infinite numbers of perspectives are possible. I find it interesting that the word ’cognitive’ comes from a root word, meaning ’get to know’, especially in light of the fact that this capacity of ours…, is what we know least about.
I used to say ‘I see’ all the time - when I really didn’t or wasn’t. All I was seeing was what would fit inside my box of an imagination. Sometimes we say closed mind. Sometimes we say narrow mind. The meaning these descriptions convey is a limit on what is allowed to be understood. Understanding and Acceptance only go so far, then stop.
Through many years of my story, that’s exactly how I lived. I kept my perception limited to the forms my physical eyes could see. I also limited it by perceiving everything according to my wishes.
I subconsciously filtered out everything else my other senses, especially my Intuition, were telling me - especially when I didn’t want to acknowledge what these other senses would reveal.
Shutting different parts of myself up was customary procedure at the time. You know, the ole’ ‘Shut up and go away’ routine we all run inside our heads, when we don’t want to face something. Telling myself that if I didn’t want to see it, then don’t show it to me. Not looking is the only way to overlook the obvious.
It was like putting a parental control on my Awareness. Just like my parents had done to theirs and, taught me how to do with mine. I found myself with an understanding of life made up of bits I chose to see, floating among an ocean of stuff I didn’t.
I grew up learning rules about taboos. There were certain subjects, certain interests and, certain activities that were not discussed. They were considered ‘taboo’. Bringing any taboo subject up in conversation, especially in public, was considered ‘inappropriate’ and, would illicit judgments of condemnation. Ejection and/or punishment would soon follow.
All the time, what I was really learning was a way to relate to what I could not comprehend or understand. I was learning judgment and condemnation. I was learning how to reject. I was learning how to conflict. I was learning how to keep my mind closed. I was learning how to divorce myself from Life.
Kind of like using a cross to scare away a vampire, I used the rules of Righteousness I had been taught, to define ‘evil’, then would beat it over the head with a big stick until it ran away. In so doing, I retarded my own Self development.
I was a Perfectionist. What this really meant, is that I was scared to death of imperfection. Just the thought of it or the sight of it, would make me feel uncomfortable…, insecure.
Why, even Homeless people scared me. They really would. I was so scared and lacking in Acceptance, Understanding, Tolerance and, Compassion that the physical sight of a homeless person would make me feel uncomfortable. I would disguise my insecurities and, I admit my jealousies, behind a banner proclaiming I had their best interests at heart when I said I’d like to see them off the streets.
What was really going on was that every time I saw someone that didn’t meet the standards of living I had been taught, I didn’t know how to Understand. I didn’t know how to Accept. I didn’t know how to Tolerate. I rejected them, the same way I rejected missing any mark.
While deep in my Heart I was jealous. They lived a lot freer then I did, for I lived with the constant fear of being them someday - of ‘missing the mark’.
Hasn’t that what we’ve all been taught to do?
Imagine reasons to feel threatened, then battle for supremacy and dominance? Just the same way we do with all the parts of ourselves that aren’t ‘perfect’? Separate ourselves from them in our Minds? Do battle with ourselves? Whip these shadows of ourselves into submission?
The one thing I learned from shadow boxing was to be jealous of Peter Pan. My shadow wouldn’t ever go away, because I was the one casting it.
Every time I rejected something about Life, I created shadows. I imagined darkness to hide the experiences that wouldn’t fit inside the box of my closed mind. Only Perfect got to live in my Heaven of Self Acceptance. And as you can guess, there was a lot about myself that I perceived as less than perfect.
It really wasn’t a healthy way to live with myself. No matter what, I was always filled with the dis-ease of inner conflict. I was like a beacon on the quantum level, a call for battle, and inevitably something or someone would show up to oblige me.
Then I saw the Play of Consciousness.
Reality really is a Cooperative. Oil and water do mix. They mix just like we imagine they do.
Now that I could see how reality had just been mirroring my imagination to me, all the time, I asked myself, ‘had I ever really been a victim?’
Or simply a reader lost in my own story?
A story of Love upon Condition: A story about what it is and how it feels.
It feels insecure. When faced with anything and everything outside of my little box, I’d feel threatened. And re-act accordingly by becoming defensive. The security of my box came from keeping other people and reality at large, stuffed inside boxes just like it.
My story was stifling, my plot lines grown stale. My characters were predictable and my experiences as well. So I stepped outside my then known boundaries of mind and imagination and conceived of Unconditional Love. I say ‘conceived’ instead of ’perceived’, simply because Unconditional Love is something we allow into our Hearts. It cannot be seized.
That’s when my story took a turn into unknown territory.
I know at first I felt a bit frightened. What happened to all my neat little rules? What’s anal retentive me going to do when perfection doesn’t count?
I then discovered Unconditional Love does have Rules. Otherwise, there would be no sense of security in a Universe that could be Trusted.
Unconditional Love has rules of Conduct - that bring up issues of who’s ruling that conduct. The Rule of Conduct for Unconditional Love is Being Unconditionally Loving.
This is when my real story began of finding out who I was for Real.
It began when I recognized I now had a choice as to how I was going to relate to myself. I could be my own worst enemy. I’d proven that enough by then. This meant I could be my own best friend, too. For my own sake, I chose my goal: Embrace imperfection.
Instead of self condemning, I learned to be self nurturing. I began to use my mind to synthesize and unify, instead of to analyze and separate. Instead of choosing between parts I sought their total sum. I began to focus on what we have in common, instead of what makes us different. I began to jump on mistakes to show how accepting, understanding and compassionate I am when it comes to making them, instead of how condemning. I started practicing how to embrace Humanity, by learning how to embrace my own.
My Teacher had been right. Seeking to understand those we don’t like, reveals a lot about ourselves. It reveals what kind of person we really are, underneath all our facades, pretenses and denials.
One of the difficulties I had in plumbing the darkness within, in search of subconscious parts nursing grudges was that they’re difficult to find. They’re hidden behind our blind spots. This is the reason we created those blind spots in our minds, after all.
The way I resolved these issues for myself was to use what I knew about the World on a Quantum level. The World is a mirror. It reflects whatever I am imagining, back to me. Things about myself that I didn’t like, that I had suppressed, and was in full blown denial about, were exactly what I’d find in other people that I didn’t like. Experiences in life and of life I had rejected, that I had declared war upon, were reflected to me on a constant basis on the world stage.
Experiences of fear and doubt were thrown into my face, proportional to how much time I spent imagining them.
The next time you find yourself listing the things you don’t like about another, or things happening in the World, understand the practice of projection. This person or event will be a mirror of your mind. There is a big energetic difference between condemning it (negative charge) and, seeking to understand it (positive charge), especially experiences and types of people none of us enjoy. Negative fields attract relationships with negative poles. I learned my own self interests were wisest served, when I didn’t choose (negative) or, adversarial relationships with Life in general.
I’m not saying I learned to like everything, far from it. I learned how to be understanding and compassionate. Embracing everything we do. Everything has causes, if we but know where to look.
Each of us is born fully equipped when it comes to being Response Able.
And whether we are in or out of, our Ever Loving Mind, determines those responses.