I Imagine - Being Out of my Ever Loving Mind

Many books call it Self Awareness.  Since I have issues with what constitutes ‘self’, I’m simply going to say we’re Aware.   We’re aware of existing and, we’re aware of existence.    I Am.  And so are  ‘you’.


We perceive.   We see.


It’s ‘what’ we’re perceiving and seeing I found questionable.  Seriously, how solid is solid matter?  And how can anything be ‘level’ on a round planet?  Exactly how do I draw a straight line on a ball? 


Then there’s the ‘left wing and right wing’ bit.  Honestly, what’s the use in choosing?  A bird with only one wing always flies in circles.  Does it really matter which direction it



Do you see what I’m getting at?


To see, to perceive, also means to comprehend.  It means to understand.   It’s how we see humor and how we see reason.  We do it by and through using this perceptual part of ourselves.  It is a tool, an aspect, sometimes called “cognition”.


One of the qualities of our cognitive capacity is its versatility and flexibility.  Infinite numbers of perspectives are possible.  I find it interesting that the word ’cognitive’ comes from a root word, meaning ’get to know’, especially in light of the fact that this capacity of ours…, is what we know least about.


I used to say ‘I see’ all the time - when I really didn’t or wasn’t.  All I was seeing was what would fit inside my box of an imagination.   Sometimes we say closed mind.  Sometimes we say narrow mind.  The meaning these descriptions convey is a limit on what is allowed to be understood.   Understanding and Acceptance only go so far, then stop.


Through many years of my story, that’s exactly how I lived.   I kept my perception limited to the forms my physical eyes could see.  I also limited it by perceiving everything according to my wishes.  


I subconsciously filtered out everything else my other senses, especially my Intuition, were telling me - especially when I didn’t want to acknowledge what these other senses would reveal.


Shutting different parts of myself up was customary procedure at the time.  You know, the ole’ ‘Shut up and go away’ routine we all run inside our heads, when we don’t want to face something.  Telling myself that if I didn’t want to see it, then don’t show it to me.  Not looking is the only way to overlook the obvious.


It was like putting a parental control on my Awareness.  Just like my parents had done to theirs and, taught me how to do with mine.  I found myself with an understanding of life made up of bits I chose to see, floating among an ocean of stuff I didn’t.


I grew up learning rules about taboos.  There were certain subjects, certain interests and, certain activities that were not discussed.  They were considered ‘taboo’.  Bringing any taboo subject up in conversation, especially in public, was considered ‘inappropriate’ and, would illicit judgments of condemnation.  Ejection and/or punishment would soon follow.  


All the time, what I was really learning was a way to relate to what I could not comprehend or understand.  I was learning judgment and condemnation.  I was learning how to reject.  I was learning how to conflict.  I was learning how to keep my mind closed.  I was learning how to divorce myself from Life.  


Kind of like using a cross to scare away a vampire, I used the rules of Righteousness I had been taught, to define ‘evil’, then would beat it over the head with a big stick until it ran away.  In so doing, I retarded my own Self development.  


I was a Perfectionist.  What this really meant, is that I was scared to death of imperfection.  Just the thought of it or the sight of it, would make me feel uncomfortable…, insecure. 


Why, even Homeless people scared me.  They really would.  I was so scared and lacking in Acceptance, Understanding, Tolerance and, Compassion that the physical sight of a homeless person would make me feel uncomfortable.   I would disguise my insecurities and, I admit my jealousies, behind a banner proclaiming I had their best interests at heart when I said I’d like to see them off the streets.


What was really going on was that every time I saw someone that didn’t meet the standards of living I had been taught, I didn’t know how to Understand.  I didn’t know how to Accept.  I didn’t know how to Tolerate.  I rejected them, the same way I rejected missing any mark. 


While deep in my Heart I was jealous.  They lived a lot freer then I did, for I lived with the constant fear of being them someday - of ‘missing the mark’. 


Hasn’t that what we’ve all been taught to do?


Imagine reasons to feel threatened, then battle for supremacy and dominance?  Just the same way we do with all the parts of ourselves that aren’t ‘perfect’?   Separate ourselves from them in our Minds?  Do battle with ourselves?  Whip these shadows of ourselves into submission?


The one thing I learned from shadow boxing was to be jealous of Peter Pan.  My shadow wouldn’t ever go away, because I was the one casting it. 


Every time I rejected something about Life, I created shadows.  I imagined darkness to hide the experiences that wouldn’t fit inside the box of my closed mind.  Only Perfect got to live in my Heaven of Self Acceptance.  And as you can guess, there was a lot about myself that I perceived as less than perfect. 


It really wasn’t a healthy way to live with myself.  No matter what, I was always filled with the dis-ease of inner conflict.  I was like a beacon on the quantum level, a call for battle, and inevitably something or someone would show up to oblige me.


Then I saw the Play of Consciousness. 


Uh oh.


Reality really is a Cooperative.  Oil and water do mix.  They mix just like we imagine they do.


Now that I could see how reality had just been mirroring my imagination to me, all the time, I asked myself, ‘had I ever really been a victim?’ 


Or simply a reader lost in my own story?


A story of Love upon Condition:  A story about what it is and how it feels.  


It feels insecure.  When faced with anything and everything outside of my little box, I’d feel threatened.  And re-act accordingly by becoming defensive.   The security of my box came from keeping other people and reality at large, stuffed inside boxes just like it.


My story was stifling, my plot lines grown stale.  My characters were predictable and my experiences as well.  So I stepped outside my then known boundaries of mind and imagination and conceived of Unconditional Love.  I say ‘conceived’ instead of ’perceived’, simply because Unconditional Love is something we allow into our Hearts.  It cannot be seized.


That’s when my story took a turn into unknown territory.


I know at first I felt a bit frightened.  What happened to all my neat little rules?   What’s anal retentive me going to do when perfection doesn’t count? 


I then discovered Unconditional Love does have Rules.  Otherwise, there would be no sense of security in a Universe that could be Trusted. 


Unconditional Love has rules of Conduct - that bring up issues of who’s ruling that conduct.   The Rule of Conduct for Unconditional Love is Being Unconditionally Loving. 


This is when my real story began of finding out who I was for Real. 


It began when I recognized I now had a choice as to how I was going to relate to myself.   I could be my own worst enemy.  I’d proven that enough by then.   This meant I could be my own best friend, too.   For my own sake, I chose my goal: Embrace imperfection.


Instead of self condemning, I learned to be self nurturing.  I began to use my mind to synthesize and unify, instead of to analyze and separate.  Instead of choosing between parts I sought their total sum.  I began to focus on what we have in common, instead of what makes us different.  I began to jump on mistakes to show how accepting, understanding and compassionate I am when it comes to making them, instead of how condemning.  I started practicing how to embrace Humanity, by learning how to embrace my own. 


My Teacher had been right.  Seeking to understand those we don’t like, reveals a lot about ourselves.  It reveals what kind of person we really are, underneath all our facades, pretenses and denials.


One of the difficulties I had in plumbing the darkness within, in search of subconscious parts nursing grudges was that they’re difficult to find.   They’re hidden behind our blind spots.  This is the reason we created those blind spots in our minds, after all. 


The way I resolved these issues for myself was to use what I knew about the World on a Quantum level.  The World is a mirror.  It reflects whatever I am imagining, back to me.  Things about myself that I didn’t like, that I had suppressed, and was in full blown denial about, were exactly what I’d find in other people that I didn’t like.  Experiences in life and of life I had rejected, that I had declared war upon, were reflected to me on a constant basis on the world stage. 


Experiences of fear and doubt were thrown into my face, proportional to how much time I spent imagining them. 


The next time you find yourself listing the things you don’t like about another, or things happening in the World, understand the practice of projection.   This person or event will be a mirror of your mind.   There is a big energetic difference between condemning it (negative charge) and, seeking to understand it (positive charge), especially experiences and types of people none of us enjoy.   Negative fields attract relationships with negative poles. I learned my own self interests were wisest served, when I didn’t choose (negative) or, adversarial relationships with Life in general.


I’m not saying I learned to like everything, far from it.  I learned how to be understanding and compassionate.  Embracing everything we do.  Everything has causes, if we but know where to look.


Each of us is born fully equipped when it comes to being Response Able.


And whether we are in or out of, our Ever Loving Mind, determines those responses. 

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Comment by Sue Ann Edwards on September 21, 2011 at 11:01am

You've given me a treasure!  I was ignorant of Puncinello and Lucia and now I have a new adventure to read and enjoy.  Thank you!

And thank you for sharing "you're only as sick as your secrets", that's a good one!  Short, sweet and to the point.

This is what I like so much about what you have created *here*.  We can enrich each others lives by simply sharing ourselves, lessening none and enriching everyone at the same time. 

Sometimes I struggle with words in my attempts to share my perspective and awareness, so I am thankful for your patience and understanding.   I tend to be silent when there is no interaction, because I simply do not know what is of interest to others.   When I had my strokes it was like the top of my head came open and the whole universe fell in.  How am I suppose to know what other people would like to hear about?  It's been enough of a challenge just living with it. *smiling*

Unconditional love is very simple.  Not easy or at least it wasn't for me, but very simple because...

It is an immaculate concept. 

Whether I say "God" or "Spirit" or "the Unified Field", what I'm really communicating is an Idea of a Whole, an Absolute level of Being that is defined as All That Is, Was and Will Ever Be.  It's what I thought "unity awareness" and "unity theory" must be all about but I could certainly be mistaken.

I thought "oneness" was the recognition that there is only One Whole, only One Infinity, only One Eternity, only One All That Is, etc.  Because for there to be more than One, would indicate meaning had been nullified and contradicted.   It wouldn't make any sense.

A limited unlimited is a silly idea.  So is an impotent omnipotence.  But if we look deep enough into our beliefs, we'll find those are the ideals most of us believe in.  I sure know I did.

If you ask yourself what the perspective has to be at this level of reality, you'll come face to face with concepts like equality, equanimity, pervasiveness and inclusiveness.   This is where I struggle for words.  I've simply labeled this level of reality, this whatever it is that transcends time and space, "Divine Mother", because when it come to mind and consciousness, it's our womb with a view.

Always embraces all ways.

Comment by CTR Network on September 12, 2011 at 7:18pm

Thank you for sharing your perspective.  I see your berry tree like the story of Puncinello.... stars and dots.  Lucia had no stars or dots because her feelings of herself could not be determined by others.  I had a passerby in my life that said something that I feel works well for me... "you're only as sick as your secrets"... that is the internal judgments based on fear of external judgements.  It sounds as though you have successfully extracted the concept of "vulnerability" and adopted "unconditional self acceptance"... I would love to see you blog more on this subject.  Your perspectives and writing are quite compelling.  Thank you again for sharing.

Comment by Sue Ann Edwards on September 7, 2011 at 2:27pm

Thank you both for your kindness.  Yutaka, I couldn't be more delighted and tickled we've connected again.  It has been years my friend and we're still here.  Woohoo!


I thank CTR Network for the honor and bless you for your recognition and appreciation.  I have to admit, because being open is simply the way I am, *smiling* that I was confused by your comment about vulnerability.   I did not understand so I pondered it for many days.  I still don't know if I have the "right" words to convey my puzzlement so I might as well just spit it out.


Most of us are afraid of not being perfect and are proportionally afraid of other people finding out we're not.  We stuff our demons inside the closets of our bodies praying they never break out but they always do and always at the most inopportune time.

I found it eas-ier to simply admit I'm not perfect.   I think the difference may be I'm not afraid of other people finding out.    I had my own reasons for delving inside of myself.  I had a lot of wounds that needed healing.  Wounds that I discovered were caused by believing in love upon condition.

When love and acceptance are only extended upon condition, then we're destined to never be sure if we've met all the conditions.  We'll worry about being right and then that will trigger doubts about being loved and accepted.

I simply threw the whole 'damn' thing out.  I compare it to a tree I'll call the damn-it tree.  This tree makes a lot of berries and they go all over the place, damn this and damn that.  People live in fear of being marked by the berries.  Since this tree is nothing more than a damn nuisance, I uprooted it from my consciousness.

Unconditional love asks for no conditions because if it did, then it wouldn't be unconditional anymore.   Love's purpose is to extend itself because Joy is experienced in that extension.  I guess I'm just a Joy junkie. 

I can live in peace with not being perfect because I'm aware of the part of myself that embraces my imperfections in love, acceptance and understanding.   In that awareness is my self realization and self recognition.    

Many of us have been attracted to various versions of positive thinking and the law of attraction.  It attracted me, too.   As I delved within I discovered the power I sought was being fueled by a desire to control my future, dictating only positive outcomes.  Happy, happy, joy, joy. 

Enlightenment triggered by a couple of strokes brought a whole different understanding.   I have no need to control my future when I already know I have within me all that I need to meet it, whatever it may be.  I guess we might call it the resourcefulness of being self assured.


My husband called it my "secret formula for miracles".    It's simply the statement:


Things of value I carry with me where ever I go.


One time I asked myself to make a list of "things of value I carry with me where ever I go".  My list looked a lot like this: wallet, checkbook, credit cards, safety deposit key, etc.   That was when I noticed where I had placed my values and quickly changed my mind.  Now my list looks like this: understanding, acceptance, tolerance, compassion, mercy, and forgiveness.

Yutaka knows me from years ago and knows how often I have referred to myself as a complete idiot.   I'm not doing it from a perspective of any kind of put down or self abasement.  I'm coming from a perspective of being able to Joyously laugh at myself.  The operative word is "complete", which means I'm through working on it.   I have no need for defenses if I perceive nothing as an attack.   I have no need to defend my space when my purpose is to embrace others within it.


Much Love & {{{Hugs}}}}


Sue Ann

Comment by CTR Network on September 3, 2011 at 8:08pm
Sue Ann... We loved reading this and I appreciate your deep vulnerablity in sharing.  We have chosen your blog as a feature for this coming weeks newsletter.  It touched us and we know it will touch many more.  Thank you for sharing your heart.
Comment by Yutaka Tanaka on August 25, 2011 at 6:24pm
Yesterday I found your mail at the time. Jnuary.2010.
I am very sorry that unrecognized.
But now I am here.

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