I’ve just returned home after another session with my Psychiatrist, today has really not gone well. I was asked to visit a place that had so many bad memories for me. Dealing with the sexual side of my rehabilitation is a killer. I know that I need this psycho therapeutic treatment, because I am drowning in my own pain. How do I put into words the shear agony that I feel inside when I revisit that place. It feels like someone is tearing out the very heart of me, leaving me feeling hollow and empty. Every dirty moment relived. Surrender because I was too weak to fight back. I can feel his hands on me just as if it was yesterday, but the truth is that many years have passed. Then there’s the Psychological side of the coin, where you can’t escape your thoughts. So much so that you wish you could reach inside your head and rip out the entire episode. So which hurts the most? Can you even compare the two? They are separate yet interlinked; you can’t deal with one without the other joining in. It’s far from a fair fight. There are no Queensbury rules here, each growing in mass as they feed off each other’s misery. A game of Ping -Pong between the two; where I have no hope of even seeing the ball. I know this effect will not lift an inch today, not a cat in hells chance. I try to remove myself from my home situation retreating to the bedroom, knowing that I am in a bad place and best left to my own devises. But it’s clearly not working. Questions so many questions, I feel as if my head is about to explode why can’t I just be left alone? You can feel it coming over you, mounting with each second that passes. There’s a heat rising within you that you know you will not be able to control, anger emanating from your very being. It should be visible to all as it engulfs you. To late the moment has passed for them to retreat, you hit out at the only one there. All control is lost they become the enemy, and words are spilling out of my mouth with such venom. If they think it’s that easy then maybe they should go in your place. Then the inevitable statement – If this is how it affects you why do you attend at all? Which brings us back to the question; you have been asking yourself all day. I could elaborate here but I see no need, if you have ever been in this position no other exploration is needed. If you haven’t then the explanation you are looking for will ever materialise. The aftermath in this situation often differs, but the situation above more than not pushes the one you love to breaking point. How can we expect them to understand when it’s so far from a normal? There has not been a book written, that can truthfully outline the intense emotions felt when you have been on the receiving end of such abuse. Once again it falls to us to regulate our reaction, to change the negatives to positives. If we don’t or choose not to, then we run a real risk of losing the only good thing left in our lives. Yes we are loved but everyone has a breaking point a point of no return. Take heed it’s a lonely road to walk of which I speak from experience. …..