Today  I have been dealing with the ugly side of success.

As you already know, God and I have a very intimate relationship. God’ has been dealing with my heart. And when God goes to work, it can be messy.

When I was living in Mamma’s house, she had ‘friends’ who would come over from the club. I remember the syrupy-sweet nauseating mixture of Coke and Hennessy, a dirty couch with holes where the rats had eaten through the stained cushion, and hiding the younger kids in the tub. I remember pressing my  small ten-year-old-body against the wall as I slithered down the hall way, silently whimpering as I ran out the house across the street for help. The cops came. The neighbors came. Momma said I lied. She said I was too ugly for anyone to be interested in me and I as just trying to get attention. It was on that day I started to doubt myself. It was on that day I lost credibility with me.

Secretly I have been afraid to be successful. I mean, I have been afraid to burn bright because I was scared Mamma would show up and say I lied–say I stole, cheated, manipulated my way into anything good because that was the only way I would ever make it. And I believed her. So I stayed in a safe job and tried not to offend anyone. It took me decades to realize that I am not a scared ten-year-old needing protection by the person who is suppose to be on her side. I have slowly been owning my power, speaking up and being willing to be known. But I have been afraid of being discredited.

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