I have just been asked by my councillor about my sexuality, a question I have been waiting for that took its time to arrive. The answer has been in my mind for so long waiting to be announced. I truthful didn’t know. So what were my options here? It seems through choice that I am Heterosexual, Bisexual or Lesbian. It all sounds so very clean cut, all the boxes ticked in the right place. The problem I am having, is that not one box has been ticked within me. The three most prominent males that influenced my life had made it so difficult.
Let’s first turn to my Father who had been a violent Alcoholic, he had beating my mother so badly, that I had been born a month early as a direct result of a boot in her stomach. Withholding from her the money to purchase even food, it seemed he felt the pub was the place to spend his earnings. Any snippet that was given to her was spent on feeding us children. Result? Even while seven months pregnant you would never have been able to tell.
Now let’s walk down the path a little further towards my Stepfather. Abuse is the only word I can bring to mind with regards to this person, not only as a child but repeated with such venom and destruction in my adulthood. There was only ever one promise he gave to me that he kept; he told me that he would destroy my life, that I would lose everyone and anything that I loved. Result? This was the outcome
Moving forward where was the man who should have been my protector? Good question and one that I am still unable to answer. The reason for this is that I am unable to find the right words to elaborate or explain. Why would my husband take what was happening to me in his stride? Why did he continue working for my Stepfather? Where was the protection that should have been mine, while the ground was being kicked away from beneath me? Result? Complete and utter destruction of my marriage, for me it became unworkable.
It’s not a pretty story for sure but one I was to experience. So where do you go to feel safe within a relationship? The answer for me was to someone I had known all my life. This was a complete alteration from anything that had gone before me. It came in the form of a lady that I had always loved as a friend since childhood. So does that make it easier to shift to the other side for want of a better word? I guess we are back where we started, am I of a certain persuasion? At that time I was asking myself that very question.
Let’s now return to the present day and dissect the above paragraphs. What have I learnt from the above experiences? This question I have no trouble in answering. I have learnt the hard way that regardless of sexuality, gender, race or creed people are just people. Is it not whats inside of a person that should be important? Do they treat others in a manner they themselves would like to be treated? Are they there for you when it’s needed? Would they stand toe to toe with you through the rough as well as the good times? Lift your spirit when all you need is a hug; are they the wind beneath your wings?
I will leave it up to you to decide my sexuality. Because my train of thought sitting here present day is that I am all three……